ColdNovemberRain's Blog

These Red Ones Make Me Fly. The Blue Ones Help Me Fall.

These are some of the things that have been going on in my life-things that have stressed me out, messed me up and left me for dead in some thick fog...

Please also understand, I am attempting to use this as a release, and to update anyone who wanted to know...this is not an attempt to upset anyone...or to make anyone feel badly.

This was posted on my other blog, it is for my Aunt Sharon.  She passed away, unexpectedly, and she meant a lot more to me than my family knows.  I thought that a little explanation might be in order with the photo and comment.  I am still mourning her loss...and mine.

R.I.P. in hopes, to finally find peace.

My best friend in the whole Universe has just scraped through one of, I think, the WORST MS flare reactions EVER, and it killed me, nearly literally, each day and night that passed, as I hoped and wished that he did not die.  He's not out of the woods yet, he's never out of the woods, he never will be...he's always flaring, and he's still not doing well on a lot of levels.  I can only hope, every minute of every day that he will keep "hanging in there"...he is very loved by many more than he knows.

I ended up with pneumonia, really sick, did the best that I could to pull through, but seems as though I'm still not back on my feet.  Then again, almost every day I feel like mush, so I don't know if I'm back to my "original state" or not.

My health is not the best, I'm having a hard time doing a lot of things lately.  My head, my being overwhelmed at a mere thought of something sends me into orbit.  I've got some kind of mental problem, a lot of it are issues that I never worked out/through and still deal with by living here, but I can't afford to go anywhere else, and I don't want to, because in all honesty, I cannot be alone.  I have my son, but I need the support of others when I feel I am falling.  I fall often. 

My mental problems don't really have a name, I go to therapy, I take meds, I'm still pretty out there sometimes.  I forget things often, and sometimes I think of really bizarre things, things that could never happen in a zillion years, and I fear them, embrace them, act them out...I don't understand it.  I have problem with time, understanding time has passed.  That I am who I am, or as old as I am, or that my son is my son...I can't make any more sense of it than that...that isn't even a nutshell :

I am trying to be part of the Support System for my sister, who is going through a divorce, she has a four year old and an eight month old and life has been hell for them.  I can say that I'm lucky in a way, I wasn't married when I had my son, at the ripe old age of 18, and I didn't have a "life" with his father, not the "grown-up" kind anyway.  We went to court, he pays Child Support and when he feels like it, he sees my son.  If we had to go through all that a Married Couple went through, I don't know if I could pull through it.  To have someone that comes home, makes you feel as though you aren't "alone", and then to have them gone, but not gone, they're not dead, you can't "mourn" in the same way. 

My living situation right now has not been the best, I'm trying to learn how to switch gears, after almost a year, to a daughter living in her mother's house to a sister living in her youngest sister's *and her fiance* house.  Might not sound like a big deal to most of you, but it is a HHHUUUGGGEEE one.  My rent is higher, my bills are higher, and I'm not getting any more money.  Huzzah.

Child Support doesn't come in as it should, no big surprise there.

It's summer and I haven't any money to do anything remotely resembling a "Vacation" as in going someplace and having fun. I'm just barely getting by with paying my bills and hoping for the best.

I can't say NO. I overthink things so much and try not to be the "bad guy" so much, that I'll burn myself out and spend a long time trying to get back on my feet. I care too much, I take too much to heart, if something happens to someone I love/care about, I feel as though it happens to me.  It is how I've always been.  I'm highly anxious, and extremely depressed...life o life, what the hell did I do to deserve this?

I complain, yes, a lot, and the more people get to know me, the more they realize that I'm very good at it, but they can't/won't tolerate it and take off.

I feel as though I am in some sort of "transitional period" with my screen names...I've had my other name for more years than I can remember and I am trying to find one that fits me again.

Do I think that by spilling this all out onto a blog will help me?  No, but it certainly reminds me of how things aren't going well in the Land of Oz for me...or anyone that I know.

I think that I get caught up in my little "fairy-tale" lands often because of this-because NOTHING IS FAIR.  MCR gets it.  In my head, they do.

Still not Midnight?

Well, this day just keeps getting better.

I get an e-mail from the school letting me know that my son has caused some problems due to his "avoidance behavior" issues for his Health Class teacher. 

Hello, there are 2 and 1/2 days officially left of school and I get an e-mail NOW!?!?!?

I get the e-mail from the Specia l Ed Head, who got the information from his teacher, who had him all year long, and that I communicate daily with via a Journal and who I also spent two or so hours with last week in a meeting?  And none of this was EVER brought up?!?!?

WTF?!?!?!?